Marriage

The following was a paper that I wrote for Biblical Ethics class last semester. I earned a "B". This paper caused no shortage of consternation among those that hold a different view.



Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” (Genesis 2:18)

Introduction

Marriage is an integral part of all societies across the globe. Regardless of time, place, or culture, there is a manifestation of marriage in some sense of the word and meaning. These marriages are a recognition of a relationship between people, whether that is monogamous, polygamous, heterosexual or homosexual in nature. The over-arching theme of marriage in all cultures is to recognize and legitimize relationships, usually of the sexual nature (but not necessarily). Over time and cultural norms, the definition of marriage can and has changed. In our Western culture today, there has been a significant shift in the definition of marriage, from a monogamous relationship between a man and a woman, to a relationship between two people regardless of sexual orientation. This paper will tackle the definition of marriage, where it came from, and what its purpose is. This paper will look at the comparisons between marriage and the Trinity, and a comparison between Christ and the Church. Lastly, the roles of marriage will be expounded upon. While this topic is extremely rich and deep theologically and practically, this paper is to recognize some of the over-arching themes and issues in marriage. It is not to be taken as an in-depth, exhaustive study.

Marriage: A Definition

Marriage arose from the declaration of God that “a man shall leave his mother and father and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). There are numerous bits of information we can extract from this simple yet profound verse. Marriage is between one woman and one man. Stassen and Gushie in Kingdom Ethics state: “Marriage is a male-female covenant partnership established by God for God’s purposes”.[1] Another key word used in the scripture is “one flesh”. In Hebrew the term basar’ehad is used, which implies kinship or fellowship with the body being the medium.[2] Many parallels are drawn between the mystery of the Trinity and the union of marriage which will be covered later in this paper. As the Bible is the Word of God and that God is the creator of all things, we can quickly deduce that marriage was first created and ordained by God, and was created between a man and a woman. Marriage was not created by man and therefore the definition of what a marriage is cannot be changed according to the whims of society. That being said, there are denominations that have openly challenged and overturned what was previously held as proper and correct when it comes to marriage. Most recently, the Episcopalian church recognized the unions of same-sex marriages, and went so far as confirming the consecration of a Bishop of the church.[3] The Lutheran church has also taken this step toward changing the definition of marriage. In 2009, the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America concluded:

This social statement grows out of the foundational theological understanding that Lutherans read and understand the Bible in light of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. The "good news" of the Gospel that we are freed from bondage to sin (justification before God) allows us to respond to the Triune God's mercy through love for and service to the neighbor (vocation in the world). The social statement further affirms that because God's promises are trustworthy, each of us is called in Christian freedom to be trustworthy in our relationships with one another and to build social institutions and practices that create trust. Because of the love of the Triune God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, we are a people set free for lives of responsibility committed to seeking the good of all. This statement responds to this church's call for a foundational framework48 that will help it discern what it means to follow faithfully God's law of love in the increasingly complex sphere of human sexuality. It does not offer once-and-for-all answers to contemporary questions. Rather, it seeks to tap the deep roots of Scripture and the Lutheran theological tradition for specific Christian convictions, themes, and wisdom that will assist people of faith to discern what is responsible and faithful action in the midst of the complexity of daily life. It proposes guideposts to direct this church's discernment as it tries to be faithful. It provides markers by which individual and communal decisions can be tested under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. It seeks to describe the social realities of this age and to address them pastorally. Insofar as it is possible, it also seeks to speak in ways that can address both religious and secular discussions of these matters.[4]

One can quickly discern the shift from a concrete understanding of marriage to one that emphasizes the relational aspects of humanity, along with the fallen nature of humanity. Instead of a high-view of literal interpretation of Scripture, the emphasis has been put on the spirit of the Word, namely that of “love thy neighbor.”
The Church universal has fought for the definition of marriage to remain the same, although in the more so-called enlightened Western cultures, there is a significant shift away from the traditional definition of marriage. There are now 10 countries that recognize legally gay marriages, including Canada, a few states in the United States, Sweden, Norway, and most recently Argentina.[5] For the purposes of this paper, the definition of marriage will be the union of one man and one woman exclusively to one another, to the glory of God.

Purpose of Marriage

Genesis 2:18 makes it plain that of all creation, there was one thing that was not “good”, and that was that man should not be alone. God created Adam a helper, not just a companion. As Richard Philipps explains, “Men are made by God not to stand in isolation but in need of companionship, and the one companion who fulfills God’s intention for our lives is woman.”[6] What was Eve created to help Adam with? As stated earlier in Genesis, mankind was created to work and keep God’s creation (Genesis 2:15), therefore it is safe to assume that Eve was created to assist Adam in working and keeping the earth.[7] God also commanded mankind to subdue and fill the earth (Genesis 1:28), a task which requires both male and female. Robertson McQuilken states “the first purpose of marriage is fellowship, oneness, wholeness – love.”[8] A second purpose listed by McQuilken was procreation, as mentioned by Genesis 1:28. Finally, McQuilken ends with the demonstration of love.[9] John Calvin gives us another reason for marriage as a means from God to remain chaste and pure, in that through the institution of marriage we can “abominate every form of lust.”[10] The homosexual movement has moved into attack mode with these purposes, affectively dismantling most of them. For example, a homosexual couple can claim that they have fellowship with one another, oneness with each other, and obviously love for one another. With the recent advances in medical technology, a male-female relationship is no longer required in order to have a baby. This essentially dismantles the procreation aspect of marriage.
So what’s left? As you may see, there are a variety of reasons as to why God instituted the covenant of marriage, but one in particular stands out, and that is the concept of oneness. How do two people come together to form “one flesh”?

Oneness

Deuteronomy 6:4-5 states “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your might.” Isaiah 44:6-45:25 expands greatly on the fact that there is only one God, and that it is foolishness and idolatry to think otherwise. However, the New Testament makes clear that there are three personal agents, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, working together to bring about salvation.[11] Jesus prayed to His Father and taught His disciples to do likewise, yet convinced them of His deity.[12] We can also see from the book of Acts that the disciples would be baptized by the Holy Spirit, and later yet, that to lie to the Holy Spirit is to lie to God (Acts 5:3-4). In the early church, the Cappadocian Fathers (Basil, Gregory of Nyssa and Gregory of Nazianzus) declared that God is one essence and three independent realities who share the same will, nature and essense.[13] This is undoubtably hard to understand, but as Burk Parsons has written, “We were made in the image of our triune God with minds carefully crafted by God to understand certain things about God. Our Creator then provided us with certain information about Himself through His revelation to us. As a result, we have been given the ability and the knowledge to understand all that God has intended for us to comprehend — and such comprehension comes only through faith given to us by God, for the natural man cannot understand the things of God.”[14] So although we don’t understand completely the concept of the Trinity, we know what it is and what it is not. Likewise, if we look at the oneness of two sinners coming together to be one flesh, we can look to the Trinity as our example.
Just as the Holy Trinity is One made up of Three, marriage is one made from two. Kay Arvin writes in her book aptly titled 1+1=1, “Through the union of the flesh, more than in any other way, each person gives his entire self to becoming a part of the other one. Marriage…is more than the modern idea of sharing.”[15] Paul in his letter to the Ephesians states “He who loves his wife loves himself” (Eph. 5:28). This is only possible if there is a unity or oneness in the marriage. Dr. John Pickford describes Christian marriage as “the fusion of love which gives oneself fully in a oneness which brings a rich and full life together.” [16]This would seem to indicate that any marriage that doesn’t have God as its center is in fact not one. Mark Driscoll, pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle said, “The biggest problem with marriage is that it’s made up of two sinners.”[17] It’s only with the power of Christ that we can truly be made whole and one, like the Trinity is. We must put aside our selfish desires and ambitions, our inherent nature of wanting to be served rather than to serve. Marriage could be a beautiful and glorious thing if both parties were to play the roles and give the sacrifices that we have been called to do.
We can also see that in the creative order, God gave Adam one wife. He did not send him numerous wives to help rule over the created order, nor did He send Adam “buddies”, neither one man nor numerous men to help in ruling over the creative order. He gave Adam one female companion to help him. They became one flesh that was not to be separated. The woman was given to the man has the helpmate, not the man given to the woman. This is a distinction that will be covered in the next section.
Ephesians 5:31-32 states: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” Paul does not hide the fact this oneness of flesh is a mystery. In fact, he calls it profound, meaning “situated at or extending to great depth.”[18] This is something that requires much thought and contemplation, not something easily grasped. Christ is clearly the head of the church, and the church is His bride (Rev. 21:9-27). God has taken His bride for Himself, has cleansed her, and will keep His promise to her, although she is consistently unfaithful. This is the story of Hosea in the Old Testament. As stated in the Reformation Study Bible’s Characteristics and Themes of the Book of Hosea:
Hosea’s book is not about Hosea, but about God and His relationship to His covenantal people…The theme of covenantal unfaithfulness, movingly symbolized by Hosea’s relationship with his promiscuous wife, permeates the book.[19]

Christ and His church are one, and through the promise and strength of God, we will remain in Him (John 17:20-22). If Paul is comparing marriage to the relationship and permanency of it with Christ and His church, does this indicate that if we truly are one with each other in marriage, we too, can overcome obstacles set before us that would tear most marriages apart, such as infidelity (Hosea) and selfishness? One of the many issues in marriages is a lack of understanding or dismissive nature toward roles that we as husbands and wives are to play in the marriage.

Roles in Marriage

Ephesians 5:22-23 states, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church…” This passage clearly states that men are the head of the household, and that the wife is to submit to his authority. This is a massive issue in the church today as the feminist movement has usurped this authority and declared women equal in both status and roles in western society. There are some, such as Manfred Brauch, that would like to emphasize Ephesians 5:21, stating that we are to submit to one another. He writes the following:
“Theological contexts” are all too frequently abused in the interpretation of texts and this happens when the larger theological perspective of an extended passage (such as Eph. 5) is not considered in the interpretation of a specific text (such as Eph. 5:22-25). Ephesians 5:22-25 can be used to require the submission of wives only when the larger theological thrust of the entire chapter is ignored. Chapter 5 concerns an admonition to “be imitators of God” and to “live in love as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us.” These passages celebrate Christ’s servanthood, which is the larger theological context for all human relationships, including that of male-female, husband-wife. That is why 5:22-25 begins with the specific expression in 5:21, where Paul states that one of the evidences of the Spirit’s presence in our lives is “subordinating ourselves to one another in awe of Christ.” It is this “mutual self-subordination, modeled on Christ’s servanthood, which determines the husband-wife relationship articulated in 5:22-25. It is “in awe of” Christ’s self-giving, that husbands and wives are to “give themselves over to one another in servant love.”[20]
However, as R.C. Sproul has argued, by that logic, parents should also submit to their children, Jesus should submit to the church, and so on.[21] This would make the entire point the Apostle Paul was making in Ephesians nonsense.[22] Others would continue to argue that the term “role” is found nowhere in scripture. By that logic, the church would be incorrect to use the term “Trinity” to describe God in His three-fold state because “Trinity” is not found in sacred Scripture anywhere either. While the term “role” does not appear in scripture, it would be appear that scripture defines roles for His Church, families and society as a whole.
The idea of being a “helper” in society today is viewed as second class, not worthy of mention, and should be discarded. However, as we look to the Trinity, we can see that in the equality of status within the Trinity, there is also submission in roles. Ernest White states “Theologically speaking, even in the Godhead subordination exists.”[23] He states a short time later, “…obedience is not possible without some form of subordination.”[24] Do we as Christians claim that Christ is not equal with God? He states clearly in scripture that He and the Father are one (John 10:30), yet Christ is subordinate in role, Christ declares Himself that the Father is greater than Himself (John 14:28). We can know from scripture that Christ was obedient to the Father, doing and saying only what the Father commanded Him to do so (John 5:19). We also know that Christ was sinless, and that He sacrificed Himself for the sins of many (2 Cor. 5:21). Christ did not worry about what the Father was doing for Him. Christ was not concerned with what He was going to get out of the deal. Christ layed down His life at the request of the Father, and did so without selfish ambition. This is the true meaning of servanthood and submission, something we can all learn. This attitude of non-submission can also be traced back to the Garden of Eden and the fall. In Genesis 3:16c we can read “Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” This is a statement that sets up the battle of the sexes. As John MacArthur writes:
Now let's look at the specific of the language here that expresses the conflict. "Your desire shall be for your husband." Now let's talk about the word "desire." What does it mean? It's an interesting word, it comes from an Arabic root and I have continued to survey this passage because it's been a passage of some controversy. But it is of Arabic root meaning to seek control. Literally it could read, "You shall seek control over your husband...you will desire to exert your will," that is a sign of the curse, "you will desire to take charge, to be in control, to master." And that desire shows up in various women in various ways. In some of them it's a quiet, silent desire that smolders, with others it is a shouting desire that isn't much of a secret to anybody. And the more godless women are, very often the more hostile they are toward men. Sometimes that hostility takes the attitude of coldness, indifference, apathy. Because she can't achieve what she wants, she eventually becomes totally indifferent and apathetic toward the man.[25]
God has put man in charge over the woman, yet the woman will want to rule over the man. Only in a God inspired and renewed marriage can it occur where a woman submits to her husband with trust and joy, and the man leads his wife with the love that Christ leads the church (although imperfectly of course). The natural state of marriage is to get all we can from the other person, and to rule over them in an ungodly and sinful way. Robertson McQuilken has layed out four primary responsibilities of the woman in marriage. These include loving her husband, homemaker, loyal completing, and fulfilling the sexual needs of her husband.[26]
The role of the man is much more complex. Again in Ephesians 5 Paul gives a large list of what biblical manhood looks like. Husbands are to love their wives as Jesus loves the church and layed down His life for the church. As Gary Chapman said in a conference, “The roles of marriage are similar to the chicken and pig contributing to breakfast…one gives far more than the other, and guess which one the man is!”[27] While being humorous, it does get the point across that much of the responsibility in marriage belongs to the man, and that his role is to put aside his life for the good of his wife and family. We will also notice that when Adam and Eve sinned, God began by asking Adam what he had done, he did not begin with Eve who sinned first. The man is the head of the home and will be held responsible for that leadership, regardless of his lack of leadership or the usurping of the role of leader by the wife. McQuilken gives three major responsibilities to the husband, including loving his wife, leading his wife and family, and providing for them in their physical, mental and spiritual well-being.[28]

Conclusion

Marriage today is difficult, as it appears it always has been. Every culture appears to have its own issues surrounding marriage. In the Western world, there are challenges to marriage that go hand-in-hand with the advancement of technology. Our world is becoming smaller, our communities are becoming more detached, and the opportunities to remain relatively unknown, even in smaller communities has never been easier. The church plays a small role in society today as opposed to times past, which leads to biblical ignorance. Biblical ignorance leads to the usurping of God’s declarative will for mankind in favour of man’s will and man’s errant wisdom and opinion. Marriage is one of the major fabrics of society that is under constant attack and pressure. The very definition of marriage is changing, the roles of men and women are changing, and confusion over our roles in society has essentially left us clueless with regards to what marriage is supposed to be and look like. Divorce is relatively easy in the Western world, as “no-fault divorce” options are seemingly becoming more and more popular. Marriage is not held up as a life-long covenant as it appears to have been intended. The church has a difficult time today in keeping marriages together as our society has moved toward a more individualistic and relativistic stance. This does not mean that the church has ever had an easy time with this, but with the philosophical movement toward relativism, it has made the church’s job as a disciplinarian and loving body much more difficult in the face of the ease by which people do not commit to one church, and change churches with no problems. Divorce was never part of God’s plan for marriage, yet it is readily available for those that want out of one. We don’t value our spouses as we should, and all too often we don’t understand what it is we, as married people, are called to be and do. Some of the most encouraging stories you may ever hear come from people in marriages that were difficult, from pure selfishness to sickness. Our struggles sticking with our spouses through good times and bad help us to grow as people, to grow as Christians. Robertson McQuilken is a wonderful and godly example of this. He gave up a prestigious academic job to take care of his wife full time as she spent many years battling Alzeimers disease. Out of loving devotion to his wife, he stayed with her full time until she died, never giving over his responsibility of taking care of her to anyone else in order for him to continue on his own path doing other things that he wanted. What he wanted to do was honour his word and commitment to his wife and to God, which he did for 53 years. This is what it means to lay down your life for your wife. Robertson and his wife of 53 years were surely “one in the flesh.”[29]

[1] Glen Stassen & David Gushee, Kingdom Ethics (Downers Grove, Ill. Intervarsity Press, 2003) 275.
[2] L.I. Granberg & J.R. Root, Theology of Marriage, Evangelical Dictionary of Theology 2nd Ed. (Grand Rapids, Mich. Baker Academic, 2001) 743.
[3] http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_epis.htm. Accessed Dec. 15, 2010.
[4] http://www.elca.org/What-We-Believe/Social-Issues/Social-Statements/JTF-Human-Sexuality.aspx#VII. Accessed Dec. 15, 2010.
[5] http://lesbianlife.about.com/cs/wedding/a/wheremarriage.htm
[6] Richard Philipps, Masculine Mandate (Lake Mary, Fl. Reformation Trust Publishing, 2010) 58.
[7] Ibid. pg 58.
[8] Robertson McQuilken, An Introduction to Biblical Ethics (Carol Stream, Ill. Tyndale House Publishers, 1995) 187.
[9] Ibid., 188.
[10] John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion translation by Henry Beveridge (Peabody, Mass. Hendrickson Publishers, 2008) 256-257.
[11] R.C. Sproul, editor, One and Three: The Trinity, The Reformation Study Bible (Orlando, Fl. Ligonier Ministries, 2005) pg. 1015.
[12] Ibid., pg. 1015.
[13] Stanley Grenz, Theology for the Community of God (Grand Rapids, Mich. Eerdmans Publishing, 1994) pg. 60.
[14] Burk Parsons, A Simple Mystery, Tabletalk Magazine April, 2006.
[15] Kay Arvin, 1+1=1 (Nashville, Tenn. Broadman Press, 1969) pg. 99.
[16] John Pickford, Marriage God’s Style Vancouver, BC. Pg. 13.
[17] Personal notes from sermon by Mark Driscoll, written April 2009.
[18] http://wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=profound
[19] Ligonier Ministries, Reformation Study Bible (Ligonier Ministries Publishing, Orlando, Fl. 2005) pg. 1237.
[20] http://www.cbeinternational.org/?q=content/abuse-scripture-part-i
[21] http://www.ligonier.org/learn/series/intimate-marriage/the-role-of-man-and-woman/
[22] Ibid.
[23] Ernest White, Marriage and the Bible. (Nashville, Tenn. Broadman Press, 1965) pg. 72.
[24] Ibid. pg. 73.
[25] http://www.gtycanada.org/Resources/Sermons/90-244
[26] Robertson McQuilken. Biblical Ethics. (Carol Stream, Ill. Carol House Publishers, 1995) pgs. 274-5.
[27] Personal notes from a Gary Chapman marriage conference in St. Paul, AB, March 2003.
[28] McQuilken, 275.
[29] http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=7D7ZWNNX